susieworld

Well, there was a royal baby born last week, but Us Weekly wants you to know more about The Bachelorette. That cover story and much, much more is what I learned by reading Us Weekly!

1.)    Sorry, ladies. Maroon 5’s Adam Levine is off the market. He got engaged to some model and will live happily ever after. At least until they get divorced.

2.)    Evan Rachel Wood is bummed because she’s preggers and can’t smoke weed.

3.)    Kanye West’s new venture is designing jeans. And you can get yourself a pair for a mere $265.

4.)    Helen Mirren admits her secret to staying sexy is stripper heels.

5.)    Jason Sudeikis says sex with Olivia Wilde has helped him lose weight. Sounds like an excellent exercise plan to me!

6.)    Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston are indeed getting married. “They just haven’t finalized plans yet.” The pair got engaged a year ago.

7.)    George Clooney got rejected by Eva Longoria because he reportedly wanted permission to cheat.

8.)    R Patz (Robert Pattinson, for those who don’t keep up with Hollywood slang) is getting hot and heavy with Elvis’ granddaughter Riley Keough.

9.)    Garrett Hedlund will NOT be playing the lead role in the “50 Shades of Grey” movie. Ian Somerhalder is also no longer a contender.

10.) Thanks to the Supreme Court, Jesse Tyler Ferguson got married!

11.) Real Housewife of Atlanta’s Phaedra Parks has unofficially named her newborn son Dylan, but “were waiting to have a traditional African naming ceremony.”

12.) Cameron Diaz can add shoe and handbag designer to her resume. She has been hired on by Paris-based “Pour Le Victoire.”

13.) Spock portrayer Zachary Quinto has broken up with his boyfriend of one year, Jonathan Groff of “Glee” fame.

14.) ‘80s actress Rae Dawn Chong (Tommy Chong’s daughter) insulted Queen Oprah with a racial slur and called the talk show host “vile” while appearing as a radio show guest.

15.) The “Friends” are getting older! Lisa Kudrow turns 50 today!

16.) COVER STORY: Poor Bachelorette Desiree. She narrowed her choices down to three dudes and one of them bolted. Can’t say as I blame him.

17.) IT’S A BOY! Yes, if you have been living under a rock for the past week, the royal fetus has arrived and his name is George. Does this mean we can stop talking about the Kimye baby now? Us Weekly points out the important fact that George barely made the cut to becoming a Cancer. He had minutes to spare before being a Leo.

18.) In unfunny news, Us tells the story of how Lea Michelle is coping after the death of her boyfriend, Cory Monteith. She’s finding “solace with his family.” Meanwhile, Glee has been put on a temporary hiatus as the show creators figure out how to explain a main character’s sudden absence. The hiatus won’t start until after two Beatles-themed episodes. Then there will be a Cory tribute.

19.) Bruce Willis’ favorite job is being a father. My favorite job of his was “Die Hard.”

20.) Honey Boo Boo’s mom, Mama June, is quite the disciplinarian for being a complete redneck.

21.) Yes, ladies and gentlemen, there will indeed be a “Sharknado 2.” It has been greenlit for 2014.

So that’s about it. Hope you enjoyed! See you next week!

  Don’t do drugs, kids. That is the lesson from this week’s Us Weekly. Here’s what else I learned:

1.)    Leah Remini quit Scientology. I didn’t think Scientologists were allowed to quit, but she apparently started questioning some stuff and that sort of thing is frowned upon. So they let her go without incident. The Church had no comment. Go figure.

2.)    If you’re a fan of Paula Deen, tune into Big Brother where you can catch white contestants harping on gays, blacks, and Asians. In her defense, one cast member compared her racial slurs to dumb blonde jokes. Yep. Pretty blondes are always discriminated against!

3.)    Justin Bieber keeps getting douchier. He had to make an apologetic phone call to former President Clinton after a video of The Biebs shouting “Fuck Bill Clinton” went viral. Good ol’ Bill was all good though. “If that’s the worst thing you’ve done, all is well,” he said. Sadly, the worst thing Justin Bieber has done is come to the States to make “music.”

4.)    QUOTE OF THE ISSUE (Olivia Munn on an ex-boyfriend): “I can’t imagine why he was cheating. I was really good at faking it!”

5.)    Kevin Bacon has been reduced to bribing wedding DJs to have them NOT play Kenny Loggins’ “Footloose.”

6.)    Celeb “criminals” (those who have had to appear in court) are judged by Us Weekly, which declared itself judge, jury, and executioner. The stars were found guilty or not guilty based on their outfits. Keep it classy, Us!

7.)    Hillary Duff shops at Target.

8.)    So Diane Kruger and Joshua Jackson have been dating for a while. When Josh met Diane’s mom for the first time, he learned she’d performed a background check on him and had a file on him that included his 2003 mugshot for assault.

9.)    Crap. The world can soon expect another Jonas. Kevin Jonas and his lesser-known mate are expecting.

10.) Jenny McCarthy is the latest celeb to join The View and is now dating Donnie Wahlberg.

11.) Over practically before it began! “Man of Steel” Henry Cavill and “Big Bang Theory” star Kaley Cuoco have already broken up after dating for TWO WEEKS! This exceptionally long-term relationship’s end warranted its very own blurb!

12.) Oprah loves Lindsay. Ope has offered L. Lo a gig filming a reality show about life after rehab.

13.) Patience, patience! Kim Kardashian is dropping the post-baby pounds and is expected to appear in public again soon.

14.) Channing Tatum ordered a Chicken & Bacon Ranch Melt at Subway!!!!!!! STOP THE PRESSES!

15.) If you ever get a chance to film a movie, make sure Natalie Portman is in it. She had a massage therapist regularly appear on set to take care of the cast and crew.

16.) COVER STORY: Heroin and booze just don’t mix. They killed “Glee” star Cory Monteith. I have nothing more to say on this story because it’s simply not funny.

17.) The Gorga family dynamics on the “Real Housewives of New Jersey” are downright scary! Teresa’s husband and brother (both named Joe) got into a violent wrestling match that aired last weekend. The brawl occurred during a family retreat that was designed to help them overcome their differences.

18.) Funnyman Jimmy Kimmel is officially off the market. He wed one of his show’s head writers on July 13. Halle Berry also said “oui” to Olivier Martinez. They got married in France on the same day.

19.) Kelly Osbourne is also no longer available. She got engaged to her long-time boyfriend. So if you’re looking for a rude smartass in your life, look elsewhere.

20.) Us Weekly takes readers inside the “private world” of Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively. This means their world is no longer private and therefore no longer interesting.

21.) Mary Louise Parker says Bruce Willis is a good kisser.

22.) Yes, ladies. Ripped jeans are back in style. Pay more for less material!

So there is your weekly celeb gossip from me to you! Enjoy the workweek, peeps!

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY, AMERICA! (And happy belated Canada Day, eh?) In between drinking beer and shooting firecrackers out of your butts, I hope you’ll take the time to read about what I learned in Us Weekly! Now that Kimye’s spawn has entered the world, it’s time for Us to bore me to death with stories on “The Bachelorette.” Wanna know what else I learned?

1.)    As you have likely heard by now, Paula Deen is in a heap of trouble for admitting she used the N word in her past. Here’s a surprise, though. Jesse Jackson defended her and I agree with him. “[She] may be a symbol of intolerance, but she is not a sacrificial lamb.”

2.)    After being snapped by paparazzi being choked by her husband in public, Nigella Lawson is moving out of the couple’s home. Meanwhile, her soon-to-be-ex received a mere warning from police for assault.

3.)     Things are getting switched up on “The View.” Elisabeth Hasselbeck is out as the lone Republican and Jenny McCarthy and Brooke Shields are being bandied about as potential replacements for Lizzie and the retiring Joy Behar.

4.)    Us Weekly names four reality stars (Vicki Gunvalson, Nene Leakes, Khloe Kardashian, and Heidi Montag) who have “glammed up their looks.” Shockingly, the Kardashian is the only one who didn’t resort to going under the knife to do so.

5.)    Channing Tatum is definitely going to be a hands-on dad. “I’ve never been so excited for something to poo.”

6.)    Among the 25 people Kanye West compares himself to are Andy Warhol, Axl Rose, The Beatles, Kate Moss, Jesus, Miles Davis, and The Soup Nazi. Clearly, he hasn’t seen what Axl Rose has turned himself into.

7.)    Jessica Biel keeps shock collars on her dogs. Umm…maybe try taking them to training classes, you abusive creature!

8.)    Halle Berry *gasp!* PUMPS HER OWN GAS! And in her pregnant condition and everything!

9.)    Adele and her son Angelo visited NYC recently, where she took him to the zoo and got herself a tattoo on her hand that reads “Paradise.” Said tattoo only took 15 minutes, according to the artist. Wish mine only took 15 minutes. OWIE!

10.) Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth are on again. This will change by next week, judging by their history.

11.) Prop 8 was overturned! And this made Ellen DeGeneres very happy. The talk show host, who has been married to Portia de Rossi for several years, sent a brief to the Supreme Court: “I don’t think we hurt anyone else’s marriage. I asked all of my neighbors and they say they’re fine.”

12.) While they’ve technically been engaged for a few years, Kristen Bell proposed to fiancé Dax Shepard via Twitter once Prop 8 was rescinded. They have been waiting to wed until all people are allowed to do the same.

13.) In other gay news, Neil Patrick Harris says he looks forward to moving his ring from his right hand to his left. But there has been no marriage proposal that I know of. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time for the dad of twins, who is planning a move to NYC in the near future.

14.) Well, the gay news keeps coming! Melissa Etheridge and her partner, “Nurse Jackie” co-creator Linda Wallem announced their engagement on June 26.

15.) And maybe Brad and Angelina will finally take their vows after putting it off until gay marriage was made legal.

16.) Hey ladies with no taste in music! DJ Deadmau5 is back on the market. He and Kat Von D. broke off their engagement.

17.) Cameron Diaz has been cast as Miss Hannigan in the Jay-Z and Will Smith-produced film remake of “Annie.”

18.) Former Real Housewife of Atlanta, Kim Zociak, has gained a whole new group of haters when she was snapped in a bikini smoking a cigarette with a visible baby bump.

19.) Tom Cruise may be batshit crazy, but he’s apparently really good in bed. Cher named him as one of her top five former lovers.

20.) Chris Brown, best known for beating the crap out of Rihanna, was charged with two misdemeanors in connection with a May 21 hit-and-run. His last “hit-and-run” should have been a felony resulting in a little jail time.

21.) Producers of “The Bachelorette” sure know how to pick their contestants. According to this week’s cover, Desiree Harsock has been given a choice between a fame whore, a liar, and a player. When will these women realize the dudes are only on the show to become famous for being assholes??

22.) WHO WILL GET THE FIRST PICS OF KIMYE’S BABY??? Probably not Us Weekly, as it is far too classy a magazine to pay out the millions it will likely cost. (I kid.) Us reports that the couple may not release photos at all, which I find very hard to believe. Kim was recently heard saying she wants more money, and what better way to get it than to whore out images of your oddly-named daughter?

23.) In pretty people news, “Man of Steel” star Henry Cavill is now dating “Big Bang Theory’s” Kaley Cuoco. It’s a dream come true for Superman, as he admits he’s had a crush on her for a while now.

24.) In Royal Fetus news, we still don’t know if Wills and Kate are having a boy or a girl. There have been practice runs to the hospital, which likely has the Brits freaking out, and the couple may take their time in choosing a name. I hope it’s something that goes well with Mountbatten-Windsor.

25.) Johnny Depp is showing signs of growing up. His breakup with longtime girlfriend Vanessa Paradis has something to do with it. He is no longer trashing hotel rooms and focusing on his kids instead. He admits he’s “kind of socially inept.” I’m a social being and I’d be happy to volunteer in helping him come out of his shell a little. Too bad he’s now dating Amber Heard. She’s a little prettier than I am.

26.) Melissa McCarthy and Sandra Bullock are the female versions of Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson.

27.) It is now apparently fashionable to match your top and pants EXACTLY. I do not recommend this look. Rompers are apparently hip, too, but I prefer to call them onesies and they look ridiculous.

And with that I bid you all adieu. May your Independence Day be filled with BBQ and booze. Stay safe out there, kids! Until next time…

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, America’s royal reality child has been birthed and the stupid couple named her North. Yes. North West. Us Weekly delves into “Kim’s dramatic delivery,” so read on! Here’s what else I learned by reading Us Weekly.

1.)    Rex Reed is an asshole. He unapologetically called funnywoman Melissa McCarthy “tractor-sized” and “a female hippo.” Meanwhile, McCarthy responded with maturity, saying she feels bad for someone with so much negativity in his life. My response is much less polite. Fuck you, Rex Reed!

2.)    Teen Mom turned porn star Farrah Abraham is clearly not trying to better herself. Us Weekly reports she has been exchanging texts with Charlie Sheen. Yeah, that’ll improve your reputation, you dumb ho!

3.)    Pippa Middleton, who is more famous for her ass than for being Duchess Kate’s sister, got a little ass-grabby with her boyfriend. Sorry, boys. It appears her bum is spoken for.

4.)    Jennifer Aniston has gone into farming. She’s raising chickens and apparently feeds them pasta.

5.)    Justin Bieber just gets more and more annoying. He is now speeding around L.A. in a leopard-print Audi.

6.)    Sofia Vergara admits that having curves has helped her get jobs. “I would be ungrateful to say it’s all because of my brains and my talent.”

7.)    Reese Witherspoon suffered a wind attack in a mini-skirt, exposing her cute little tushy for all to photograph. And she’s not the only one getting accidentally naked. Miranda Kerr and Kate Upton also had nip slips this week, while a panty-free Eva Longoria flashed her vajayjay at Cannes.

8.)    According to Us, some Real Housewives are stealing Rihanna’s hairstyles, though I’m suspect. I think Ri-Ri is trying to look like a housewife with some of her ‘dos.

9.)    Halle Berry, who once proclaimed she would never marry again, may be living up to that promise. She has postponed her nups to Olivier Martinez because she doesn’t want to walk down the aisle while preggers.

10.) Sharon Osbourne thinks she’s the “luckiest woman” because her husband is sober.

11.) Maybe his new baby won’t be called a thoughtless little pig. According to his wife, Alec Baldwin is very attentive to her pregnancy, often reading parts of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.”

12.) It’s a breakup for another Cyrus. Just weeks after Miley split (again) with her fiancé Liam Hemsworth, her mama, Tish, filed for divorce from Billy Ray. Rumor has it, Miley is pretty POed. at her pops, too.

13.) Most people called it brave, but Melissa Etheridge says Angelina Jolie’s choice to have a double mastectomy to prevent cancer was a “fearful choice.” Etheridge is a breast cancer survivor, so there’s that.

14.) Queen Elizabeth named Adele a Member of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, a title that sounds eerily like it came from a Bill & Ted movie.

15.) Nigela Lawson was photographed being choked by her husband at a London restaurant. For his part, Mr. Nigela said “there was no grip,” but the photograph shows otherwise. Hopefully, “The Taste” judge will file charges, ‘cause there’s no way in hell this is okay.

16.) Okay, 90s kids. The spinoff of “Boy Meets World” has come to fruition. “Girl Meets World” will follow the two main characters as they parent a tween daughter and is due to begin airing next year.

17.) Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick’s three kids like to read. Hope they don’t end up reading the shallow “Sex and the City” books.

18.) A “Today” show reunion could be happening! Us Weekly broke the news that Matt Lauer and Katie Couric have been secretly meeting to discuss a possible reunion. Hopefully he treats her better than he treated Ann Curry.

19.) Selena Gomez likes gingers, if the latest gossip is to be believed. She dumped Justin Bieber (thankfully) for British singer Ed Sheeran. And Taylor Swift is credited as being the matchmaker! If only she could successfully find a match for herself, but then there would be no more music from Ms. Swift.

20.) Jimmy Kimmel is on a diet for his upcoming nuptials. “He cut back on his beloved pizza, pasta, and barbecue.” Good on you, Jimmy.

21.) COVER STORY: Yes, America, the day you’ve been reading about for nearly 9 months finally arrived on June 14 when Kim Kardashian finally pushed her daughter through the aptly-named Northwest Passage. For his part, Kanye was actually at the hospital after being in Paris recording an album (groan) for most of the pregnancy. And according to hospital staff, Kim was not a diva in the delivery room, which is a relief. In what will likely be an extraordinarily bad decision, they will go live with her mom while their own mansion is being renovated, but that won’t happen until the baby gets up over five pounds. So now that this story has finally come to an end, you can expect the next month to be all about the Royal Fetus, a little girl that actually kind of matters.

22.) Meanwhile, Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan have taken the time to release photos of their newborn to Us Weekly. It’s still TBD who will pay the highest price to Kimye to do the same. Everly Tatum is very cute.

23.) A couple of Real Housewives got hitched recently. Tamra Barney of the OC and Miami housewife and supermodel Joanna Krupa both wore questionable gowns to their respective ceremonies.

24.) An NYC photographer instructed Us Weekly readers on how to take a selfie. Among the suggestions: NO DUCK FACE!

25.) “Man of Steel” star Henry Cavill said the worst part of playing Superman was that the costume lacked a zipper, making it a little difficult to pee. “I drank only one bottle of water every half-day. It was brutal.”

26.) So onesies for adults are hip in celeb land. I don’t recommend emulating these people.

So that’s the end! I hope you feel better educated! Or worse educated. Whatevs.

Jennifer Loves Huge Tits is engaged and preggers! Maybe this one will stick.

People still care about Jennifer Love Hewitt. Well, Us Weekly does – enough to put her on the cover of this week’s issue. The girl I lovingly call Jennifer Loves Huge Tits is possibly getting married and having a baby. But knowing Us Weekly, this could all be speculation. Here’s what else I learned….

1.)    Katie Couric can’t get a second date! She apparently was wined and dined by B-listers like Jeff Probst and Bob Saget, but neither called her again. It gets grosser. Larry King reportedly tried to take her home with him, but she “extricated” herself from that uncomfortable situation.

2.)    James Lipton admitted that he was a PIMP in Paris in the ‘50s! My favorite curse word doesn’t describe my shock.

3.)    Philip Seymour Hoffman has problems with drugs. He apparently fell off the wagon last year and dipped into the heroin pool.

4.)    Shocking news: a Bachelorette contestant wasn’t up front with his relationship status. Bachelorette Desiree was surprised to find one contestant’s angry girlfriend knocking on her front door.

5.)    Hillary Clinton is going to look a little different in a planned biopic of her life. The actresses up to play her include Jessica Chastain, Amanda Seyfried, Scarlett Johansson, and Reese Witherspoon.

6.)    According to Jennifer Lawrence, Bradley Cooper is a “wet kisser.” Ewwwww!

7.)    I respectfully disagree with Us Weekly that Fergie’s pregnancy style “rocks.” She looks more like Jessica Simpson in ugly printed frocks. Both women need a stylist STAT!

8.)    Ladies seem to prefer dudes with facial hair. Except for Leonardo DiCaprio.

9.)    Kim Kardashian got what every woman needs at her June 2 baby shower – an Hermes diaper bag.

10.) Well, this is clever. Channing and Jenna Dewan Tatum learned the gender of their baby by having the doctor call a local bakery and order a cake. They discovered they’d be having a girl when they cut into the cake and discovered it was pink. Us Weekly failed to report that the baby was born this week and her name is Everly.

11.) Guys who are still single may be depressed to know that creepy, geeky David Arquette is getting set to wed another woman who I believe is out of his league. His 2 ½-year divorce from Courteney Cox became final late last month and he’s planning to fast-track his relationship with Entertainment Tonight reporter Christina McLarty.

12.) In Tiger Woods news, Elin Nordegren “hates Lindsay Vonn and everything about this romance and is angry Tiger even has visitation rights to the kids,” according to a “source.”

13.) Arrests can bring people together! Reese Witherspoon and Jim Toth are reportedly closer than ever after their brush with the law in April.

14.) Us Weekly reports that Joshua Jackson and Diane Kruger are going to take the plunge into wedded bliss. Only problem is, he hasn’t asked her to marry him yet.

15.) In questionable casting news, Rob Lowe will play John F. Kennedy in the upcoming “Killing Kennedy” feature on the National Geographic Channel.

16.) COVER STORY: Jennifer Love Hewitt is planning her next breakup … er … engagement. The girl is notorious for dating co-stars and turning crazy on them. The latest victim is Brian Hallisay, her co-star on “The Client List.” He’s a cutie and I hope he wises up fast or can put up with crazy. Oh, and she’s preggers. This according to another “source.” Among her long list of exes are Joey Lawrence, Carson Daly, Jamie Kennedy, and even John Mayer, who probably gave her a taste of her own crazy medicine.

17.) I follow Amanda Bynes on Twitter because the girl is totally cray-cray! She was recently arrested after cops caught her throwing a bong out her window. She claimed it was a vase. And she wore a disheveled blonde wig to her court appearance. She tweets that she’s not crazy, but then goes on a Twitter rampage, telling Rihanna that Chris Brown beat her because she’s ugly. She also suggested that Perez Hilton kill himself. All aboard the crazy train!

18.) Katy Perry is a glutton for punishment. She’s back with John Mayer, who is very likely just dating her to stay in the spotlight. He’s pretty notorious for dating girls who make headlines. Especially since a vocal chord issue prevented him from performing. Meanwhile, if you’re sick of Katy Perry I have bad news for you. She’s in the studio recording her fourth album.

19.) You can find love on the set of American Idol, unless you’re Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj. But I digress. Former “Idols” Diana DeGarmo wed Ace Young on June 1.

20.) Justin Bieber has pissed off the wrong people. After being caught speeding his Ferrari through Keyshawn Johnson’s neighborhood, Johnson followed the teen queen to his residence to confront him. But the little boy fled inside his house at the sight of the footballer. Hulk Hogan, who Us relies on to choose sides in celeb feuds, is firmly on Johnson’s side. “Bieber needs to grow up.”

21.) Will Smith got a little pissed off at a reporter for comparing his family to the Kardashians. Meanwhile, Kris Jenner is just thrilled that Will is talking about them.

22.) Real Housewife of Beverly Hills, Brandi Glanville, is penning another tome – a sequel to her book “Drinking & Tweeting: and Other Brandi Blunders.” This one will be about dating. I love me some Brandi, but I don’t think I’d take dating advice from her. She suggested that a married co-star cheat on her husband in order to spice up their relationship.

That is all. See you next week!

Some of these bodies aren’t all the best.

It’s the most depressing issue of the year! “Best Bodies 2013” boasts “42 pages of hot photos,” all of which I will quickly skip over in my pursuit of real news. Here’s what I learned by reading Us Weekly.

1.)    Teen Mom star Farrah Abraham calls herself a role model. This after she was photographed buying a pregnancy test and recently filmed “Farrah Superstar: Back Door Teen Mom.”

2.)    Chris Pine may be hot, but he’s also an admitted cry baby. “I cry all the time – at work, at the shrink’s, with my lady. ‘The Notebook’ killed me. ‘Up’ destroyed me.”

3.)    HAHAHAHAHAHA! Us Weekly proclaims that Duchess Kate is copying Suri Cruise’s style!

4.)    NHL star Mike Comrie is going to be a groupie on his wife Carrie Underwood’s summer tour.

5.)    Beyonce is noncommittal when it comes to rumors that she’s pregnant.

6.)    The wedding of Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth is back on, despite his family’s objections.

7.)    Duchess Kate is taking Italian cooking lessons from a Kensington Palace housekeeper.

8.)    Kim Kardashian’s family sent out music boxes as baby shower invitations complete with ballerinas and music – “Hey Mama” by Kanye West. Gross.

9.)    Gwyneth Paltrow is kissing Anna Wintour’s skinny ass. After telling USA Today that Wintour’s Met Ball was “un-fun,” she made an about-face and called the event “the year’s most elaborate display of incredible fashion.” How’s that brown nosing going for you, Gwynnie?

10.) Paulina Rubio (who?) and Kelly Rowland are the latest pair to grace the infamous red chairs on “X Factor.” It’s a little confusing because Christina Aguilera and Cee Lo Green are coming back first, then Rubio and Rowland join the team.

11.) R Patz and K Stew are splitsville. For those who don’t speak Us, that means Robert Pattinson dumped Kristen Stewart. Again. The next battle is determining who gets custody of the dogs.

12.) “Everyone” thinks Lindsay Vonn is good for Tiger. She spent quality time with his kids on a recent family outing.

13.) There are a lot of Hollywood hot bodies out there. Lucky for me, there were as many men featured as women, so thanks for the eye candy, Us Weekly! Oh, and thanks also for driving me into despair.

So there you go. I didn’t learn much this week because the issue was full of more pictures than ever before and very little “news” to accompany it. I will surely do better next week.

I’m not pregnant, I’m just fat! Wait. That’s not it.

Kim Kardashian dared to go bare and wound up on the cover of Us Weekly in a teeny bikini in all her pregnant glory. Us Weekly asks, “You call this fat?” Well, no. I don’t. But when Kim dresses like a worn out sofa from the early ‘80s, she’s not doing herself any favors. That’s another story though. Here’s what I learned this week.

1.)    Denise Richards has taken over parenting Charlie Sheen’s kids. And I don’t mean the ones she shares with him. The courts have taken Charlie’s twin sons away from their mother, Brooke Mueller because Brooke is a druggie train wreck. Apparently, both Brooke and Charlie approve of letting someone else parent their children.

2.)    Reese Witherspoon told “a crazy lie” when she and her hubby, Jim Toth, got arrested a few weeks ago. She said she was pregnant and had to pee. Good one, Reese! Meanwhile, in an attempt to kiss ass, she was photographed wearing a City of Atlanta Police baseball hat. “We did not send her that hat,” the department spokesman said.

3.)    Demi Lovato went to rehab and came out to find no one liked her anymore. “I had four texts,” she said. “That was a wake-up call.”

4.)    Julia Louis-Dreyfus admitted that her therapist fell asleep during one of their sessions.

5.)    Winona Ryder and I share a passion for her film “Heathers.” Winona admits that she watches it and recites the lines. “(It’s) like my own ‘Rocky Horror Picture Show.’”

6.)    Martha Stewart attempted to set up a Match.com profile.

7.)    Ian Ziering, who you may vaguely remember from “Beverly Hills, 90210,” is joining Chippendales.

8.)    Madonna is still looking gross.

9.)    In Kim K story #1, she wore an awful Givenchy “gown” to the NYC Met Ball. It did nothing for her “not fat” figure and truly resembled an old couch.

10.) Anne Hathaway doesn’t do it for me as a blonde.

11.) J. Lo started a really annoying nickname trend. Us Weekly has now named Jennifer Lawrence J. Law.

12.) Another couple decided to renew their vows after a whopping five years of marriage, but it should come as no surprise that it was Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon. Mariah likes to celebrate herself.

13.) Lauryn Hill is going to do three months in the slammer for not paying taxes. Don’t mess with the IRS!

14.) In happy news, Rihanna and Chris Brown have broken up yet again. “I can’t really be focused on wife-ing somebody that young,” Chris said. He has already hooked up with another ex.

15.) Lindsay Lohan checked into Betty Ford and they’re not letting her out! She claims she’s “never been a huge drinker.” HA!

16.) The wedding of Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth is totally off again and his family is “over her.” They want this latest breakup to be permanent.

17.) If you want to see Zoe Saldana naked, buy this month’s issue of Allure.

18.) COVER STORY: Kim Kardashian wore a series of little bikinis while on a family trip to Greece. One thing she may have forgotten about pregnancy – your boobs get even bigger! Her bra tops appeared to be struggling.

19.) If you’re still single and wishing otherwise, prepare to be depressed. Honey Boo Boo’s mom has a man. “Mama June” had herself a true redneck wedding, as she walked down the aisle in a camouflage gown. Nothing could camouflage this woman, though, believe me!

20.) Bikini’s for every body type! Though some body types shouldn’t fit into bikinis.

21.) “The Great Gatsby” is making its debut soon and I still can’t fathom why there was a need to release it in 3-D.

So that’s the scoop, peeps! Get on with your fun-filled weekend!

Isn’t she precious! (Photo courtesy of @RoyalFetus on Twitter.)

Us Weekly seems to think it has a direct line to Buckingham Palace. Or wherever Duchess Kate is living now. Because how else would they know how she’s prepping for the Royal Fetus? Unless, of course, Kate calls them collect to report on her every move. That’s probably it! So here’s what I learned this week.

• Gwyneth Paltrow had another “dress disaster,” much like her braless blunder at the 2002 Oscars. This time, at the Iron Man 3 premiere, she decided to go sans panties. This was actually required by the dress, which was sheer from the waist on both sides. Some say Gwynnie “owned” it, but others called the gown “vulgar.”  Sources say Gwyneth loved the gown, but she’s sputtering excuses to appeal to the masses of hate headed her way.

• “Modern Family” dimwit Nolan Gould (Luke) is actually a member of Mensa. He’s 13 and is enrolled in college.

• Ryan Lochte has me convinced that the Kardashians could also be members of Mensa. “My philosophy: You gotta be a man at night, you gotta be a man in the morning.”

• “American Idol” would solve all its judging woes if it would just give up and go off the air. Instead, new judges Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj are being hated on. They’re on the lookout for the next Simon Cowell.

• Girls: DON’T do what Jessica Alba did to regain her figure after having a second child. Jess thought it would be a good idea to wear two corsets continuously for three months. Experts say this is plain stupid, as the organs get moved around. Way to be a role model, Alba!

• I need to find my faded denim Guess jacket from 1987, because this look is BACK!

• Barack Obama to his daughters on body art: “If you guys ever decide you’re going to get a tattoo, then Mommy and I will get the exact same tattoo in the same place, and we’ll go on YouTube and show it off as a family tattoo.”

• It appears they’ll let just about anyone into the White House Correspondent’s Dinner.

• Back to tattoos, celebs don’t seem to think them through. Justin Bieber has an image of his on-again, off-again girlfriend Selena Gomez. Getting a tattoo of your SI’s face is definitely a no-no and a surefire way to end up apart. On the other hand, Ryan Cabrera, whose claim to fame escapes me, has a big image of Ryan Gosling tattooed on his calf. That’s kinda funny. Stupid, but funny. Also going the stupid route is Rob Kardashian, who has the image of his annoying mother Kris Jenner on his forearm.

• What on earth will Us Weekly do when Duchess Kate and Kim K have their babies?? Why, they’ll speculate on who is next! In this week’s issue, it’s Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel. In case you were wondering, one of the many reasons behind their multiple breakups was that JT didn’t want to have kids. But now, according to Us, he indicates that he’s changed his tune simply by being affectionate with the missus.

• The good news: Jesse Tyler Ferguson of “Modern Family” is getting married to his sweetie! The bad news: He has to travel all the way to NYC to do it.

• Kate Hudson says her son Bingham is going to be a drummer.

• Jennifer Aniston may NEVER walk down the aisle! Okay, I’m being a tad dramatic. According to Us Weekly, Jen put her nuptials on hold so they wouldn’t interfere with ex Brad Pitt’s wedding to Angelina Jolie. Jen and fiancé Justin Theroux were set to wed this summer, but since Brad and Angie are also set to wed this summer, Jen wants nothing to do with the entire season. To that end, she basically quit planning the ceremony.

• Reese “Do You Know Who I Am” Witherspoon is worried about how her recent tirade with police will affect her career. She’s hired people to help her spin the story. Reese is concerned that her good girl image has been completely tossed out the window.

• One Direction’s Harry Styles, 19, smooched Kim Stewart, 33, in front of her dad, Rod Stewart. Kim is most famous for having Benicio del Toro’s baby nearly two years ago.

• In odd couple news, Melissa Gilbert married Timothy Busfield.

• “Two and a Half Men” is holding onto TV for dear life. First Charlie Sheen was (justifiably) killed off and now Angus T. Jones, who plays the half-man, is no longer going to be a series regular. “Two Men” just doesn’t have the same ring to it. Maybe Angus’ departure has something to do with his hate-filled rant of a few months back in which the born-again Christian railed that the show was garbage. Or something like that.

• The countdown is ON! The Royal Fetus is due to make her appearance in just two months and Us Weekly has all the deets! Basically, Will and Kate are doing all the things that normal expectant parents do. They’re just doing them in a royal way. Oh, and Kate plans to breast feed, in case you were wondering.

• Meanwhile, Prince Harry plans to visit hurricane ravaged New Jersey, but won’t be visiting the Jersey Shore. He feels he has “grown up” since his strip poker days in Vegas.

• Sometimes it sucks to be Greek. At least when the Kardashians – in their entirety – invaded the beautiful country in late April.

• Teen Moms in trouble! First Farrah Abraham releases an accidental sex tape on purpose. Or was the sex tape on purpose and the release accidental. Oh right. She was paid to do it and she wanted the so-called “exposure” it would bring. Anyway, now she’s battling with another teen mom, Jenelle Evans, who was recently arrested for DUI. These stupid, stupid girls want to stay in the limelight without a thought to the little reasons they got into the limelight in the first place.

This week wasn’t as educational as most. But now you’ve learned just as little as I did! And that makes me pleased as punch! Now go enjoy your weekend, you beautiful human you!